Uncovering My Purpose: A Journey Through Motherhood, Pain, and Unshakeable Love

Being a mother to a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) is a journey few can fully

understand unless they walked it. It's a road paved with unconditional love, silent battles, and moments that redefine who you are.

When I became a single mother, everything shifted. I would do anything for my daughter,

Hannah. Anything. And like any parent, I also longed for that love to be reflected back in a way I could recognize—through warmth, hugs, or even a simple smile. But more often than not, I’m met with resistance, aggression, or silence. It took time, but I’ve learned something essential: none of this is about me. It’s all about her. About what she needs.

One concrete example of what it means to put your child before yourself – even in a small way – was in my choice to retain my married name. After my (fairly traumatic) divorce, I made a conscious decision not to revert to my maiden name. Not because I wanted to hold on to a past that hurt me, but because Hannah couldn’t change hers. Keeping that name—his name—has been one of the many quiet sacrifices I make every day. I carry the weight of a name tied to immense grief because it brings her clarity, consistency, and stability. And that is worth everything.

A piece of advice for all of the parents struggling: Love your child more than you hate your

ex—or hate anything in this world—and let the little things slide. Have more love than hate,

embrace your moments of joy instead of worrying about spiteful acts… enjoy the time you have, and you’ll see that things aren’t all that bad. Unconditional love… it’s one of those amazing things that can make or break the world.

Family as My Anchor

My family—my parents and two sisters—have their own challenges, as we all do. But I’ve seen each of them rise for Hannah. Their love for her is unwavering. We rally around her, not because it’s easy, but because she’s a light in our lives. She gives us all direction and focus. Our days are fuller because of her. She’s our collective mitzvah—a living reason to do good, to be better, and to show up more fully in this world.

Spiritual Wisdom in the Struggle

At a support group meeting, I had a moment of awakening. The rebbetzin shared a teaching I must’ve missed back in Hebrew school: in the Torah, children with special needs occupy a sacred space. They connect to spiritual dimensions that many of us can’t even begin to access. During my difficult moments with Hannah I do admit to asking myself, “Why me? What did I do?”… but hearing her words, I started to feel chosen, not burdened.

She said Hashem doesn’t give these children to just anyone. He entrusts them to those who can love and nurture them with all their heart. This is not a punishment—it is a blessing. A divine calling.

And when I really think about it, Hannah does give me purpose. She has transformed me from someone phoning it in to someone who’s all in. She’s made me more patient, more empathetic, more human. She’s brought our family closer. She makes me a better mother, a better person.

The Promise of Tomorrow

One of the most moving things the rebbetzin said was that children with special needs will be the first to greet the messiah when he comes. But in their humility, they will pause—turning back to wait for their mothers.

That image stays with me.

Because while I started this journey with questions and fear, I walk it now with love, faith, and

purpose. Hannah is not just my daughter—she is my teacher, my inspiration, my guide. Through her, I’ve uncovered the purpose I never knew I was seeking.